Bacon.

Bacon

Bacon used to be considered a pretty boring food; everyone ate it, from toddlers to lumberjacks to disco-loving grandpas, and everyone ever to exist in the history of the world thought it was good but didn’t give it a second thought. It was simply a breakfast food that you consumed before moving on to more glamorous meals.

But then, a few years ago something happened: bacon got its groove back. Suddenly, what was the most boring of foods was the king of the food chain, because people realized, “Oh right! That cured pork belly is DELICIOUS.” Suddenly, this meat that had been relegated to breakfast and the occasional salad or sandwich became a show stealer in every meal it was a part of — and it became a part of every meal, including dessert. Hell, it even became a part of cocktails, for those of us who are bacon-loving-lushes.

I couldn’t go one drink without some bacon!

Despite it’s growing popularity, though, bacon has remained (mostly) a tool for eating. I wanted to rectify this problem because, as you might fantasize about in your wildest, most delicious dreams, bacon has so many more uses than just ingesting. So now I bring you…

5 ingenious and unusual uses of bacon

1) Under Bacon: Now, bacon will always be delicious. This is a fact. So the unusual uses of bacon will often coincide with the mundane uses of bacon. In this light, the first unusual use of bacon is combining many people’s two favorite things: sex and eating.

Most everyone who has been a sex-obsessed teenager has heard of edible panties. Now, according to my very in-depth research (AKA searching “edible panties” in Google), this tasty hosiery is often made of fruit leather. Unfortunately, fruit leather is boring, even when used to hide people’s naughty bits. And so, I am now proposing someone introduce their own line of bacon lingerie, that will look hot and taste even better. Don’t believe this could make you trillions of dollars? Just read my catchy slogan under the bacon bra and prepare to be amazed at the possibilities.

“With Clem’s Under Bacon©, bring that smoky sizzle back into your sex life!”

Order yours today!

2) Ba-Container: Like the first, the best part of this second idea is that, while being unusual, it still relies on the best part of bacon: the flavor.

Here’s a history lesson: the space race, besides being cool because we went to the FUCKING MOON, was actually really useful because we had some very nifty things invented due to it. Specifically, tupperware. However, while tupperware was neat for awhile, after decades tupperware has become pretty un-hip. Like your mom touting her old bell-bottoms.

And so enter in bacon: pliable while raw, stiff while cooked. By layering the bacon together into any open shape and then cooking it, you make the perfect container. Behold the first, but just the beginning: the meatini (not my idea).

The best thing EVER

The meatini glass is just the beginning. Imagine the bacon-thermos. You hold soup in it, and not only would you have an edible transport, but the liquid inside would gain that delicious bacon flavor. It’s like a bread bowl only 210 times better because it’s bacon instead of pansy-ass bread.

3) Bac’N Slide: Have you ever heard someone complain about how bacon is greasy? Well, these people lack imagine. You see, a skilled inventor knows that a problem is just an opportunity in disguise. Bacon practically exudes oil; even when you think you’ve scrubbed off all the grease, more remains. Well, how could you make this useful? The obvious answer is “bacon lubricant,” for rusty joints and such (cough cough). Yet I propose something different. Something that makes use of the endless grease sink that is bacon: the Bac’N Slide.

In summer as a chillun, nothing was more fun than rolling out the Slip ‘N Slide and turning your backyard into a miniature water park. But the problem is that it required a constant stream of water, not too mention it seemed like no matter what you did there’d always be a dry portion, and if it was dry when you tried to slide down, you’d either stop dead in your tracks or get the dreaded slide-burn.

The Bac’N Slide would be 10% more fun, 20% more eco-friendly, and 1000% more delicious

Enter in the Bac’N Slide©! Using patented bacon-ology, we reduce water usage AND unnecessary skin irritation. The grease that caused you so much irritation has now become a vehicle for endless summer fun.

4) Bacon-Freshener: People stink. This is just an unfortunate fact. No matter how much we’d like to think otherwise, unless we bathe every 4 hours and avoid all physical activity or heat, everyone is going to perspire in a most unpleasant fashion.

This principle is behind the entire air freshener industry, whether it be for your bathroom, your bedroom, or your car. Oftentimes, in order to mask the scent of our own bodies we resort to very unnatural, chemical scents. Few natural smells can outdo our own natural odor; bacon is one of these magical exceptions.

Is there anything better than waking up to the scent of bacon cooking? No. If you say otherwise you’re a little hippy. Bacon smells as good as it tastes, and the scent naturally reinvigorates us. And so, imagine every room of your apartment or house and your car always having the unparalleled smoky aroma of bacon. Your life would improve immensely. All you have to do is cook it up and hang it around your environment, and voila! Coming home or getting into your car would alleviate all your woes. And at the end of the day you have tasty snacks waiting for you in various places around your home. Brilliant!

5) Bacon Ballot Rebates: In America, we pride ourselves on our democratic government, but the sad truth is that we have dwindling voter turnout. So many people seem to be disenfranchised when it comes to politics, that I feel we need to do more to encourage the democratic process. Let’s use economics!

At first, I thought, “Why not make ballots out of bacon?” Then I realized that was dumb, because people would decide they’d rather have the immediate deliciousness of bacon than the possible future payoff of their preferred government officials. I mean, they are rational people, after all. So instead of this, my idea is that everyone who votes or mails in ballots gets bacon in return. I call it the “Vote for Bacon” initiative. Not only does this encourage people to vote (I predict a 98% voter turnout in 2014 when this policy is implemented), but no matter who wins the election, everyone wins because their life becomes full of meaty goodness!

Food for your thoughts?

Clearly, bacon is the most delicious food ever. It has been called the “gateway meat,” because it tempts weak-willed vegetarians and vegan back into the land of the carnivores that we were all born to be. But it turns out bacon is good for so, so much more. If you have any other brilliant ideas, I’m sure the world will want to hear them.

Bring on the bacon. Bring on the future!

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