Now, if it’s not clear, I love bacon. In my view, bacon is basically ambrosia, and I firmly believe in the bacon law (X + bacon > X). I love it so much that I think bacon should be used for many things besides eating.

Despite this reverence I hold for the saltiest, smokiest, most perfect food ever, I must make one thing clear: bacon should not become a part of every aspect of life. The truth is, bacon has some limitations. It’s like fire; although it has many uses — from warming to cooking to helping kill germs to allowing us to turn metal and glass pliable — you should not go rolling around in a fire for fun. Given this, I feel like I must illustrate clearly…

5 things bacon should not be used for:

1) Blunt force objects: Of course, the best bacon is often crispy. You might eat a piece of perfectly cooked bacon and think, “I wonder what would happen if I hit someone on the head with it…” If you think such things you are not alone, because everyone does this on an almost hourly basis. However, after careful testing, I assure you that the bacon will simply break and inflict no damage on your target. There will be tears, yes, but they will be your own, as you will have just wasted perfectly good bacon.

I suggest, despite your initial thoughts, that you leave your food-related weaponry to sturdier, inferior items, like spare ribs and pound cake. Bacon is for lovers, not fighters.

This man’s weapon is more tempting than intimidating

However tempting using that bacon to comfort your child might be, I insist you stick to more boring and conventional means

2) Bacon Aids: Many nights, I have gone to bed soothed by bacon’s gentle caress. There are few things as soft as a piece of raw bacon, and a piece of cooked bacon is like a bar of salt scrub. That said, to layer bacon onto your open wounds, however tempting, is not a good idea. Not only is it problematic because it could cause pain to children (the wimps) to literally have salty-deliciousness resting on their cuts, but even if this painful fate is avoided, the bacon would turn the child’s arm into a tempting target for all nearby animals.

For example, let’s say you go camping in the woods while little Timmy has a bacon aid on his leg. You have just made a terrible mistake. First off, the bacon will taunt all nearby bears into hunting you down, because bacon is to bears what honey is to bears: crack. And once the bear comes, you might think that you can play dead. Think again! That bear will do whatever it takes to get to the bacon. The good news is, you can weld a wheel onto Timmy where his foot used to be.

3) Bacon beauty products: Now, many things that we consume daily are useful as beauty products. Cucumbers can reinvigorate your eyes and a scary drag queen on the television told me peanut butter can help clear your pores. I should warn against adding that handy bucket of leftover bacon grease to your at-home-grocery-spa-treatment-bag, though, as I am fairly certain applying a dab on your cheeks, no matter how comforting it feels, will serve only to make dogs lap at your face with ferocious vigor and provide no aesthetic benefit.

“I got this clear face with many useful techniques. Rubbing bacon grease into my pores was not one of them.”

If someone cares to test this hypothesis, though, they are free to. I’ll just wait… Over here.

4) Weight loss motivation: They say one of the best ways to lose those pesky pounds is to provide yourself with incentives for completing goals. Run a mile, then watch a show. Do 50 push ups, then eat a small snack. Bacon is a tool that would make an exceptionally tempting morsel after you complete 10 minutes of jogging, but the amount of pure, fatty flavor in bacon would probably not be conducive to attaining your desired weight. Even if you limit it by only cooking 3 pieces and having half a piece after each lap, I’m 90% positive most people, after that first lap, would throw their arms in the air and shout, “Fuck it! I choose bacon!” and go inside to watch some Vampire Diaries with their plate of delights. Truly, the only thing that would make a worse weight loss motivator is a bacon doughnut.

These might kill me quickly, but I’ll savor every shortened moment.

5) Look on my bacon, ye mighty, and despair. Coming up with a fifth idea for what bacon is not good for was difficult. The truth is, there are many other, smaller things bacon is bad for, like a bacon pillow (sleeping on a pillow of bacon would be comfortable but altogether make you look revolting, and would probably lead to people with acute acne being called “bacon faces” if the fad ever caught on). Not only do I need the final item on my list to match the grandness of my other, I need something that is unparallelled in its unbridled epic bacon-wrongness. In order to do this, I must do something drastic I hope you can deal with; I must get metaphysical.

“No, Greg!” You might be crying out now. “That is the worst kind of physical!” But it is a necessary evil.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably either from the US or the US’ giant, vacant northern neighbor. I’m going to ignore the latter and focus on the former. You see, in America we treasure nothing more than this:

To many Americans, the sight of this is enough to make them cry like infants.

The Stars and Stripes are the ultimate symbol of our most cherished ideals, like the freedom to own guns and our recognition that corporations are indeed living entities. Our success as a nation is largely due to this majestic symbol which we can band together under, so much so that many people have called to make desecrating the flag illegal.

Enter bacon back into the important question of our culture. I will now affirm something most people will find shocking: I do not think that bacon should be the ultimate symbol of our society. Not only does it alienate vegetarians and vegans (though I would argue they are not really humans), but there are many logistic problems. For one, bacon is delicious. This might seem like a good idea, because we could change our motto to, “One nation under succulence,” which is a much less subjective ideal than liberty.

But the issue is that what makes people unite under bacon is also what would lead a society built on bacon to crumble; it’s too tasty. It’s too good. People would be unable to fight the temptation and would constantly be eating their bacon flags. Moreover, bacon in any form would become symbolic of America. Eating bacon would be like shooting and devouring bald eagles only much more enjoyable. Wars would erupt over the potential treasonous action that is feasting on our nation’s grandest symbol, and chaos would erupt.

I apologize for the strangeness of these last ramblings, but I must end by saying bacon is not stable firmament for any country.

So there you have it, folks: bacon is quite possibly the most useful thing ever, but it is not the only thing a society needs to succeed. As sad as it is to acknowledge, until we can find a way to combine bacon with unicorn magic, we will always need to diversify our industrial output.

This may be our future, but it is not our present.

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