One man's attempt at literacy

Tag Archives: Humor

A few years ago, when I was in high school, I’d take many, many dumb online quizzes. There were few things to do online that could so thoroughly engross me as, “Which TV Show Sidekick Are You?” or “Which Power Ranger Should You Marry?” Eventually, I grew bored of these because I realized that whether I’m more like Liz Lemon or Jack Donaghy doesn’t actually make my life less boring. It seemed like most people felt the same way as I did, because these internet quizzes petered out around the same time I became disillusioned with them.

Then BuzzFeed happened.

Your inner potato is sad, because you were sad enough to take the Inner Potato quiz.

BuzzFeed, the internet purveyor of all things not really important to your life, recently began doing their own online quizzes in this same vein, including ones as asinine as, “What Is Your Inner Potato?” (The link is to prove I didn’t just come up with a terrible idea; someone else did.)  If the internet quiz hype continues at the astounding rate that BuzzFeed puts these quizzes out — I’m pretty sure they’re all done by a room of malnourished interns who are told they’ll only get food if they make a quiz every half hour — they’ll just get more and more moronic. In a perfect cycle of meta stupidity, BuzzFeed will probably make a “57 Worst BuzzFeed Personality Quizzes” later this year.

Despite my distaste for these quizzes, I also love to jump on the bandwagon and leech onto anything vaguely popular for all it’s worth, which is why I now present to you my own online quiz inspired by the mavin of terrible, lazy, and unnecessary food creations: Sandra Lee (post about her forthcoming).

Copyright Food Network and stuff.

Are you this monstrosity? Take the quiz to find out!

What Sandra Lee Cake Are You?

Be sure to share your results!

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While I was in New York I did many exciting things, like eating and drinking and riding the subway. Most exciting of all, though, my friend and I watched a show: Vampire High — which is the worst show ever.

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Generally, I try to stay away from topics about religion because it’s almost impossible to discuss anything religious without person A rolling his eyes or person B punching person A in the nose, etc. But this week I am making an exception because I am not discussing religion so much as I am discussing history. Specifically, the history of something more near and dear to my heart than many other subjects: alcohol.

Nine out of ten deities agree, one improves the other!

Now, to call me an expert on the Christian religion would be unfair, as I know less about it than I do about lamps — and all I know about them is I love lamp — but I do know one thing; Jesus Christ, revered as a savior by over 2 billion people in the world, was the world’s first oenophile (wine lover). Continue reading


So, I’m trying to write a terrible novel for National Novel Writing Month. The purpose of this is to just belt out a 50k word novel in one month, and even without editing that takes a sizable chunk of time and your mental capacity. This is the first 1000 words. I’ll try to have a real blog later but for now deal with seeing something that was done quickly!

This will be the next great American novel! And it will be truly sad for America.

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PrS (that means prescript, here): This isn’t a late post on 4th of July that I was too lazy to make yesterday, this is actually a story-ish thing! Rejoice!

Why, is that a tail? Nope! It’s impending doom. Read on!

Now, I used to be a big fan of the 4th of July. Not because I had any national pride; no, when I was a kid the only things I cared about were dinosaurs, cookies, and explosives. The thing you may not glean from my current high strung, hippy attitude is that I used to be quite fond of watching things burst into flames. My fondest memories of Independence Day were trying to talk my dad into buying $500+ in fireworks so that we could have a display that was the envy of all our neighbors, setting off a few artillery shells every night prior to the actual day. It was Pyromaniac Heaven.

Then I grew up and became lame. Kidding! I’m still (sort of) awesome. But the effervescent joy that radiated from my skin when I had witnessed a rocket dissipated as I grew older was replaced by yawns. Been there, done that.

Enter in Fruit -Blow-Up Day. Continue reading


Yes, this is a post about Tina Fey. I swear it’s not just blabbering about pop culture!

Tina Fey could totally be that sexy lady, amirit?

If Tina Fey was a cartoon, I’d imagine she’d be this kind of character and illicit this kind of reactions from horndogs men. Though maybe she’d be holding a rubber chicken And I think this view is one most people in America could agree with.

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Bacon.

Bacon

Bacon used to be considered a pretty boring food; everyone ate it, from toddlers to lumberjacks to disco-loving grandpas, and everyone ever to exist in the history of the world thought it was good but didn’t give it a second thought. It was simply a breakfast food that you consumed before moving on to more glamorous meals.

But then, a few years ago something happened: bacon got its groove back. Suddenly, what was the most boring of foods was the king of the food chain, because people realized, “Oh right! That cured pork belly is DELICIOUS.” Suddenly, this meat that had been relegated to breakfast and the occasional salad or sandwich became a show stealer in every meal it was a part of — and it became a part of every meal, including dessert. Hell, it even became a part of cocktails, for those of us who are bacon-loving-lushes.

I couldn’t go one drink without some bacon!

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