One man's attempt at literacy

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If there is one thing I know, it’s that getting a job is hard. Not only do you have to show them in a brief cover letter and resume that you’d be a good fit for the job, but even if you get the interview you have to be both more professional, personable, sociable, and huggable than all the other candidates. One wrong move, whether it be wearing assless chaps, pulling out and eating a burrito during your interview, or asking to compare the color of each others mucus, could immediately end your prospective career at Blinds to Go.

As someone with too much experience interviewing and making common mistakes like saying my potential boss sounds terrible to work for, I am using all my excessively wonderful knowledge of the interview process to create the most comprehensive and wonderful guide that was made by someone who is terrible at interviewing and proud of it. Following all of my steps will ensure interview success and the beginning of the career of your dreams, regardless of how lame your dreams are!*

Please accept my humble brain juices.

Greg’s Ultimate Interview Prep Guide:

Identify whether the company likes Obama or thinks Obama is a Kenyan: No matter how much people say they want to avoid politics, everyone has a strong feeling on the topic of Obama, and identifying a company or interviewer’s opinion of our current president will be incredibly helpful in not only identifying a great topic to converse about (“Oh man, that Obama! What an upstanding dude!” or “Oh man, that Obama! I can’t believe he and his shadow czars fool everyone!”); it’ll also create the basis for much of your interview prep.

Get to know your interviewer: Your interviewer will be looking at your resume, your cover letter, and — potentially — your social media accounts and what comes up when they google you. The thought of them knowing so much about you, like that time you tried to smuggle a panda from China, might get you a bit nervous, which is the biggest interview faux-pas, no-no, and don’t-do-that-Jack. As such, you need to even the playing field. Start by looking at them on Google, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter, but remember that that’s just going to give you a basic idea of who they are — and that’s assuming you can find info on them! In order to make sure you are thoroughly educated about the person you will interview with you should hire a private detective to follow them and root around in their past. If you discover something like their secret family or IBS that’s also a perfect topic to casually bring up during your conversation and bond over.

Photo Property of The Magazine

The best part is you can bring cookies into the interview and offer them and one of your sleeves to a would-be employer.

Wear only hemp/milk-based or wool clothing: This part is open-ended, based on the answer to the previous question. If you’re going to work for a progressive company, it’s important to show your love of the environment by only wearing hemp or, if it won’t offend their senses, trendier milk-based clothing. Meanwhile, if they fall into the more conservative bracket, you should be sure to wear traditional clothing like wool, and never mix fabric types lest you be labeled a sinner. Your dedication to their values in either instance will show that you truly know and care about the company’s goals, even if you truly don’t.

Practice the interview as much as you can: As good teachers say, “Practice, practice, practice, nyah!” The best way to ensure you’ll do well is to practice until when someone asks you how you’re doing you respond by quickly reciting your professional history. In this vein, practice until the last possible moment before the interview: that is, when you’re waiting in the company’s lobby. Don’t be worried if anyone sees you talking to yourself or gesturing emphatically, as this will only show your dedication to concisely convey your love and dedication to not being unemployed and poor. Some people also warn against sounding mechanical, but really, doesn’t every company want to hire more robots?

Look exceptionally involved: Once you start the conversation, you need to always stay focused on the interviewer. Being disinterested is the kiss of death for a job seeking stallion such as yourself, and the easiest way to look involved is to never look away. Ever. As such, consider this quite possibly the most important rule: you must never break eye contact with your interviewer. To do so is to show weakness, and you might as well just yawn or scratch your armpit in caveman-like ignorance. Even letting your eyelids flutter half-closed for a mere moment would convey a lack of enthusiasm for your future cash dispensing overlord. Blinking = dying. Literally.

“Where he sees himself in five years is unsatisfactory! Finish him!!!”

Prepare answers for standard questions: The most basic, predictable, and blasé part of the interview process is actually being interviewed. It is during this intellectual gladiatorial bout that you will practically-but-not-quite compete to the death with other people you’ve never even met for the chance to be the next Uniqlo Second Floor Greeter (yes, that’s a thing). It’s always good to have a number of stock stories ready for the day of reckoning, like that time you guided baby ducks across the street or when you successfully got to 99 points in Boppit. Preparing specific answers for specific questions is also a good idea, for instance: when I’m asked about my greatest strength I say, “Powerful thighs that allow me to stand for long periods of time and kick down doors,” and when I’m asked about my greatness weakness I quickly answer, “I do so much work that my coworkers don’t have anything to do and give me too much affection.”

And there you go! Using Greg’s Ultimate Interview Prep Guide™** you’re guaranteed to make a lasting impression.

*Note: Greg does not claim any liability for restraining orders or sexual harassment claims filed against less successful interviewees.

**Note: We guarantee nothing.


This elbow might be worth more than your house.

This elbow might be worth more than your house.

In the immortal words of starlet and my idol Jenna Maroney, “Listen up 5s, a 10 is speaking.”

As you probably know, I’m a world-class supermodel – and if you don’t, shame! My face has appeared in Vogue, my abs have appeared in inStyle, and my elbows have appeared in SkyMall.

But I’m not just a sexy, amazingly smart, world famous man of mystery; I’m also a philanthropist — but leave your hands off my millions, I need that to buy a third yacht. No, what I offer you is worth so much more than my money; I give to you my brain thoughts.

So, listen up: do you want to be so sexy that no woman/man/thing can resist you? Do you want to project an air of confidence and unabashed fearlessness? Do you want people to swivel their heads and cower before the sight of your amazingness? Then heed the following Fashion tips, which are sure to make you the it of everyone’s dreams.

1. Always wear more colors

Some people say you shouldn’t overdo it with color: those people are nothing more than conservative school marms in disguise. Remember that color theory is just a theory. All colors look good together, always, all the time.

Being afraid of color is like being afraid of a tiger. Why would you be afraid of something so majestic? All you need to do is tame it with a simple snap of your fingers, and it is yours to do with as you please. I should know; I own five tigers.

So remember, you must always put on more colors. If you’re wearing only two colors you’re not a real human and you will never be a success.

I am Fashion.

2.  You can never wear too many pairs of sunglasses

Sunglasses make you look sexy. It’s a scientific fact. Nobody wants to see the eyes of another human, because you might get lost in them, like a maze, or my house-sized walk-in closet.

The conventional way to wear sunglasses is to wear one pair at once. But who wants to be conventional? Not I, nor anyone who hopes to take the world by storm and become a fierce fashionista! So how do you spice up sunglasses, you ask with your pathetic, whining voice. Simple: wear more sunglasses. It’ll make any look as memorable and exotic as a peacock that has been set on fire.

3. Change your hair every time you leave the room

One of the keys to being remembered is to be memorable; remember that. One of the ways to do this is to create an air of anticipation around all your actions, and the  quick hair change when you’re out of sight is the perfect way to do this.

Fauxhawk

Leave the table as Greg, return to the table as Faux Greg.

Imagine you’re on a date and you have to use the little model’s room. The thing you’re on a date with will have to wait for you, and this immediately puts it in a bad mood because no one ever likes to wait. Does this mean you train your bladder to hold gallons of fluids at once? Perhaps. But the other option is to turn a problem into an opportunity to be captivating.

While you’re in there, change your hair. With a little water, a comb, some hair gel, a blow dryer, shampoo, conditioner, and a tiny gay man named Alfonzo waiting in a stall for you, you can turn your trademark faux hawk into an inverted perm with highlights in two hours flat. Your date will see your skills and your suave and forgive the short wait.

4. Food is Fashion

If you want to be truly sexy, you must remember that food is the enemy. But like any good enemy, you must keep it close to you if you want to win the battle for fame and fortune. This leaves only one option: make your food into your Fashion.

Here’s a simple outfit that’s sure to stop even the most reluctant of glamorous gourmands: create a corset for yourself out of fruit leather and a skirt out of intricately braided red vines. Use frosting to glue skittles to your exposed neck, and salmon wrapped around your feet with kelp and sticky rice will make a perfect cushioned shoe that lifts you a few inches off the ground. Use a single cinnamon dough nut as a bracelet on your right wrist, and two peeps would make excellent earrings that draw attention to your hair, where you use a mix of mousse and pins to elaborately turn an entire fried chicken dinner into an irresistible hairpiece.

5. When in doubt, go nude.

Sometimes picking the right outfit for an event is such a hassle. Ever spend 8 hours in front of a mirror debating which ascot to wear with which bowler? Everyone’s been there. That’s why my motto is, “When in doubt, go nude.” It’s the ultimate statement that you’ve been liberated from the strict social paradigm of clothes-wearing. It’s also easy, cheap, and fast.

That said, there are some limitations. First, of course you need to make sure you’re in tip-top physical form, like me, before you go nude. No one wants to see Queen Elizabeth II decide that her birthday suit is what she wants to wear to her meeting with Canadia’s prime minister, president, dictator, or whatever they have. Second, you must make sure not to overuse this outfit, just like any other article of clothing. I limit myself to one naked excursion a year, lest it become blasé.

Well, munchkins, now that I’ve given you all the advice you need to succeed in the world of high fashion, I hope you go forth and spread the Gospel of Greg. Be fierce, be strong, and always be fabulous.

You are the future of glam warrior.