I have been absent lately. I’m sorry. But I’m going to try and write more again, and the first thing I’ll do after my brief hiatus is one of my favorite types of posts: a bad movie idea.
You see, I have this super power that allows me to quickly turn most anything into a really awful, yet awfully believable, movie idea.
A bad movie post is also very appropriate because last year I made four very beautiful (and disturbingly realistic sounding) bad movie ides for the holidays. This time, there is no theme besides being a movie that is sad and sadly realistic. I give you
This Town Isn’t Big Enough
Raymond Eugene Cornelius (working name, I’m sure producer’s would want to pick something sexier) is a happy-enough New York man who is average in most every way; he’s in his late 20’s, been through some relationships he views with a mix of nostalgia and slight pain, works a decent job that affords him enough to survive and, occasionally, indulge. The only thing that seems to set him apart — and something he prides himself on — is his name, which is unique from start to finish.
Or so he thought.
One day while joking with a friend, he decides to google himself. Only when he googles “Raymond Eugene Cornelius” the person who comes up isn’t him; it’s another man located just north of New York. This other Raymond is a few years older, with a life that sounds more exciting and — gasp! — unique.
The discovery of this second, and in some sense original, Raymond Eugene Cornelius throws our protagonist into a spiral of depression and shame. The thing he had prided himself about most was his name, his very identity, and now he has discovered that someone else has possessed this aspect of him (and more) his entire existence. In a way, his being is a shame. So, of course, he decides to take action.
He decides the other Raymond Eugene Cornelius must die.
Raymond 1 travels to this other city and stalks Raymond 2, planning what he’ll do to this man who has stolen so much from him — only to discover the man he has come to kill is, by all accounts, a great person. Raymond 1, using an alias, befriends Raymond 2, and slowly learns his nemesis is a pediatrician who volunteers at the local homeless shelter and is a devoted single father of two. Suddenly, Raymond 1’s plans are thrown into chaos as he realizes he loves (whether platonically or romantically will depend on whether the Director wants an Oscar or not) Raymond 2, the man who stole his identity.
Raymond 1 battles his feelings, but eventually he decides he can live in the shadow of this other man, and if he wants to be an individual he should strive harder.
Unfortunately, the world has other plans.
In the climax of the movie, Raymond 1 is confessing his story to Raymond 2, who is shocked but also expresses how he reciprocates Raymond 1’s feelings; he says that, even though Raymond 1 only associated his uniqueness with his name, he possesses so many other virtues (which I haven’t really figured out yet, as the basic plot makes Raymond 1 pretty blatantly a psychopath). Raymond 1 flees afoot, ashamed, and Raymond 2 follows. As Raymond 2 is in the crosswalk, he hears a horn and the sound of wheels turning that he had missed: a semi-truck is coming! Raymond 1 turns back in time and observes the danger his friend is in, and desperately pushes Raymond 2 out of the path of the speeding vehicle.
Raymond 2 recovers from his fall and goes to Raymond 1 (this is getting confusing), finding Raymond 1 is dead.
And so it goes that Raymond 1 dies saving the man who, until that moment, he had blamed for his lack of identity, and, for the first time since Raymond 1’s birth, the world does indeed only have a single, unique Raymond Eugene Cornelius.
And hey, maybe this sounds a bit ridiculous, but I want you to think: is this more ridiculous sounding than movies like Her, about a man who falls in love with his phone’s OS, which is getting a number of prestigious nominations? Really? Not really!
Spike Jonze, I look forward to your call/email/hastily scribbled post-it note asking me to be your new idea guy.
Alas, friends, 2012 is almost over, and with the end of the year comes something truly disheartening: the end of my terrible holiday themed movie ideas. Let’s take a moment to recap the three so far:
- iChanukah, an artistic movie about rebellion and disillusionment starring Lena Dunham and Andrew Garfield.
- Black Christmas, a heartfelt family comedy with Martin Lawrence and Willow Smith.
- Christmas is a Drag, an over the top ride with RuPaul, Rich Sommer, and BD Wong.
Now, to finish this I have a holiday romantic comedy, preferably from ABC Family, because they do such wonderful work, about New Years. It has everything you could want from a show in this genre: familial and romantic love, a good dose of terrible humor, an arbitrary deadline, and a talking dog.
Save the Date
Save the Date is the newest romantic holiday classic in the making from ABC Family, just in time for the New Year. Allison (Melissa Joan Hart, Clarissa Explains It All, Melissa and Joey) is in love with what she thinks is the best guy she’s ever met, and their wedding date is set for New Years Eve. But on Thanksgiving he reveals he’s decided to “upgrade” and leaves her for a younger, prettier ditz. Heart broken, she loses her normal pluckiness and zest for life, and is almost ready to give up on love for good — but luckily, being a spinster isn’t in her cards.
Allison’s dad, George (Tim Allen, Home Improvement, Toy Story), died 10 tragic years ago, but he couldn’t leave his little girl all alone. Little does she know, he’s been watching her in the form of her nine year old golden retriever — conveniently named “George” after her late father. George decides it’s his job to make sure that she finds the man of her dreams, who happens to be his ex-business partner’s son, Travis (Brian Austin Green, Beverly Hills, 90210), before the New Years rings in and she’s alone for good.
Don’t miss out on this wonderful movie, that will convince you a New Year is the perfect time for new love.
In my continuing series of terrible movie ideas I bring you my second Christmas movie, and the weirdest of the four I will bring you. It is, however, also a very realistic plot, as evidenced by shows like Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives, which I will admit I watched half of. For those you you who enjoy the stranger, gay-touch, I present:
Christmas is a Drag
Christmas is a Drag is a fabulous new movie starring drag superstar and she-legend, RuPaul. In this adventure, Ru is joined by two freshman draglebrities, Rich Sommer (Mad Men) and BD Wong (Law and Order: SVU), to save Christmas from the evil Santa Bear and his army of beauty-stealing Christmas cubs.
Ru has just returned from a whirlwind modeling and singing journey around the world to sher’s girls, Sasha Lamorr (Rich Sommer), a shy, big-boned drag queen who just wants to find her knight in shining armor, and Nina Fierce (BD Wong), a sassy drag queen with a little too much attitude but all the right moves. When the girls are attacked early Christmas Eve by a group of scary, hairy Christmas cubs, they learn that the most glamorous of holidays is in danger from dirty, old Santa Bear, who wants to steal the beauty from the season and ruin it for all the little ladyboys.
As with all things drag, Christmas is a Drag is a wild ride, with plenty of puns and glitter to appease the most dour of divas. “Tuck” yourselves in this holiday and get ready for an unforgettable ruventure.
Dearest readers, today it’s time for the second installment of the best worst Christmas movies ever. Last week was iChuanukah, a movie starring Lena Dunham and Andrew Garfield as two adolescents who discover love and adulthood through eight miraculous days of cellphone life.
Today, I change gears to a story of Christmas and family; a tale that could truly be a Christmas classic, jingling all the way down the annals of history. In fact, when I jokingly described this plot to my friends a week ago, they looked at each other and then at me blankly and said in unison, “Wait… Is that a real movie?” Clearly, if I had a superpower it’d be my ability to make awful movie plots in moments. I now present:
Black Christmas Continue reading
In the spirit of the holidays, over the next three weeks I am bringing you, my sparse readership, a gift. A gift that will linger in your minds far longer than any other gift I would’ve given you would (for the record, alternate gift ideas included head cheese and whatever has been growing in my closet). That’s right: four — you read correctly, four!!! — of my famous movie ideas* to enjoy in the privacy of wherever you’re reading this from.
*All famous movie ideas copyright Relatively Awesome Productions, Est. 2023. Stealing any of said ideas will result in punishment as seen fit by the Honorable Justice Gregory. Continue reading