Awhile back, I went to Boston. Ah, Boston, one of our nation’s most important and historical cities; it’s hard to resist the urge to don some pantaloons, put on ye olde powdered wig, and challenge the nearest Alexander Hamilton look alike to a duel.

I challenge thee, Matthew Morrison, to a duel… TO THE DEATH!

Touring this grande city and its famous Freedom Trail, where you can see sites both patriotic and educational, is an extraordinary experience. The town beckons you to do so, with different lines throughout that lead to the next riveting location. Just follow the red line and you’ll come to the Boston Massacre! Follow the blue and — well, I don’t really know history, but I’m sure you’ll find something quite marvelous.

But there’s a problem with all this; while much of the Freedom Trail is open to whoever happens to meander on by — be they peasant or Boston lager-leaden knave — there is a dirty secret: Freedom Trail isn’t free.

That’s right, my friends! Comrades, brothers, and fellow non-Englanders! Boston and the foul government of these United States are denying us access to our most sacred of historic sites! Sort of. I mean, okay, some would say Paul Revere’s house is not actually that important in our nation’s history, but to them I say “GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY! ROAR!” I refuse to spend $3.50 to see a national landmark!

No taxation without representation! I pay my taxes (I think), and I demand that someone represent my interests on the Freedom Trail! We must revolt, my brothers, and throw a Boston Boston Tea Party “Tea Party,” so that we might see the Boston Tea Party for free. Which I guess we already do, but you understand!

There will be justice! Who’s with me? And who wants to pay for my ticket to Boston, because we all know I wouldn’t be doing this if I could spare $3.50.