Hi people. Isn’t it weird that my most productive month of blogging ever, December, was followed immediately by six weeks of silence? I swear it’s not that I’m just an inconsistent nincompoop — though that may be part of it. See, I began doing something I despise again; searching for a job. AP Image

As of the last week of January I took another internship the day before my first ended so that I could technically have zero days of unemployment. Now I [insert a lot of complaining about how I like money and being able to feed myself]. Wahhh.

Then this morning I got that oh-so-sweet proverbial wake up call in the form of an email and a job offer. The job: “Check Assist Manager.” My response when I read that job title was, “What the frak is that?” I asked my friends and they seemed to have no idea themselves, and even sites like Glassdoor had no positions matching that title. I decided to find out more about this position, and this is the paraphrased description: we give you money and you transfer it to avoid bank fees and specific state taxation. So basically I’d be used as the middle man in cash transactions.

Given how I gladly admit to being an awful, dirty hippy, I felt that a job where the purpose is to legally evade taxes was probably not for me.

This got me thinking: maybe there are worse things than unemployment or working at a silly internship. Maybe I could be working as a Check Assist Manager, or some of the other job offers. After some retrospection, I present to you a list of some of the terrible jobs I’ve either had offered, could have pursued, or was rejected for and felt completely fine with that, which I call:

Welcome to the Second Floor

1. Check Assist Manager

2. Door to Door Salesman in New Jersey – I can’t remember the name of this job precisely, nor the company name, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I found a job that said, “Are you a recent college grad who wants to do marketing!?” And I said, “Uh, sure.” What I discovered was that “marketing” was code for “drive around in your own car in western New Jersey and try to get people to purchase things from our catalog.” I decided to opt out of that job because I’m pretty sure I’d be the worst salesman ever (“Oh, you should buy this. Maybe. Or don’t… I don’t care.”) and because I wanted to retain what little sanity I have left and expend it on trying to make gnocchi.

Also, New Jersey. Ew.

3. Cooler Specialist at Wholefoods – Here’s what this job is about: Go to places. Inspect and buy coolers. Move coolers. That’s it. Now, I could deal with working at Wholefoods — in fact, I’d be pretty happy with that for awhile — but not only am I not suited to a job where I move anything like that due to my puny arms, I think that my brain already has enough useless knowledge (did you know Billings is the only city in Montana with a population large enough to be placed on a map of the US?) without obtaining an encyclopedic knowledge of refrigeration systems.

Image property West Coast Blinds

Which shade of blinds do you think is the best to hide my misery? I’m thinking chartreuse.

4. Manager Trainee at Just Blinds – A few months back, my friend Maryann was discussing what would be the most boring job ever, and decided it would be working at a Container Store knockoff, like a store called “Storage ‘n’ Stuff.” Then I was contacted about a Manager Trainee position at Just Blinds.

As you can guess, Just Blinds is a chain that “produces and distributes window fixtures.” For the first week after hearing about this I couldn’t remember the name because even it’s unimaginative; I kept calling it “Blinds To Go!” Nope. That’s too exciting. And I wouldn’t even be a manager, I’d be a trainee.

I actually never heard back after an interview there due to my lack of sales experience, and I think that was okay because, well, I can’t even imagine a job more boring than that. Think of going to a bar and talking to strangers: “What do you do?” “Oh, I work at Just Blinds as a manager trainee.” “Oh, that’s… Uhhh, I’m going to go to the other end of the bar now.” Maryann and I pondered this when I told her about it and we were amazed at how, next to this job, even an accountant sounds exciting because at least they work with numbers.

Photo property fo the San Francisco Chronicle. Photo credit: Stephen Lam.

Do you think if you had this job you could dress up a mannequin and place it at the top of the stairs and anyone would notice you were gone?

5. Second Floor Greeter and Uniqlo – If you go shopping in Manhattan you might discover a Japanese clothing store called “Uniqlo,” pronounced very much like “unique low,” which is ironically fitting after discovering this final position. If you ascend the stairs you’ll be greeted by someone who might have the worst job in the universe: the second floor greeter. This person’s job is, literally, to stand at the top of the stairs and say, “Welcome to the second floor.” I feel like I don’t even need to say more on that.

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There it is; five of the most boring or awful jobs in the world. And they’re all completely true. So the next time you’re lamenting your internship, or having a lot of free time to crochet, or working for “The Man, MAN!” you should take a step back, breathe, and say, “At least my job isn’t welcoming people when they come up the stairs all day.”

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