Owned by Sony, YO!

With great terrible movie making skills comes great responsibility.

Dearest readers, today it’s time for the second installment of the best worst Christmas movies ever. Last week was iChuanukah, a movie starring Lena Dunham and Andrew Garfield as two adolescents who discover love and adulthood through eight miraculous days of cellphone life.

Today, I change gears to a story of Christmas and family; a tale that could truly be a Christmas classic, jingling all the way down the annals of history. In fact, when I jokingly described this plot to my friends a week ago, they looked at each other and then at me blankly and said in unison, “Wait… Is that a real movie?” Clearly, if I had a superpower it’d be my ability to make awful movie plots in moments. I now present:

Black Christmas

Black Christmas is a holiday classic in the making, in the vein of The Santa Clause and Home Alone. Joe (Martin Lawrence) is a man who’s down on his luck, raising his daughter, Mary (Willow Smith), by himself, and struggling to keep his failing family soul food restaurant afloat so he can pass it on to his child like his father before him.

Old Martin Lawrence

It was either Martin Lawrence or “Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Fat Grandma Sleigh Ride”

Two weeks before Christmas, Joe is working in his diner on a slow night, when he gets a visitor he assumed is a mall Santa — but when this “actor” has a heart attack Joe realizes it was the real deal, and now it’s up to him to deliver presents and preserve the holiday. More than that, he realizes this might be the only way he can shower Mary will all the presents he wants to give her. Little does he know, all she wants for Christmas is for her dad to be happy and worry less about work.

Willow Smith I whip my hair back and forth

Just wait until Mary breaks into a pop song about her favorite holiday memories, intertwined with high paying product placement.

Black Christmas is a raucous, heartfelt family comedy that’ll help you rediscover the true meaning of Christmas. There’s no better way this season to defrost your heart and laugh your antlers off.

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