Mmm, head cheese.

In the spirit of the holidays, over the next three weeks I am bringing you, my sparse readership, a gift. A gift that will linger in your minds far longer than any other gift I would’ve given you would (for the record, alternate gift ideas included head cheese and whatever has been growing in my closet). That’s right: four — you read correctly, four!!! — of my famous movie ideas* to enjoy in the privacy of wherever you’re reading this from.

*All famous movie ideas copyright Relatively Awesome Productions, Est. 2023. Stealing any of said ideas will result in punishment as seen fit by the Honorable Justice Gregory.

To start off, I present a movie based on a holiday currently taking place, Chanukah — or Hanukkah, for those of you who are not 12.5% (technically 0%) Jewish. Behold!

iChanukah

iChanukah is the story of a Sid (Lena Dunham, Girls, Tiny Furniture) and Judah (Andrew Garfield, The Amazing Spider Man) as they learn about responsibility through eight miraculous nights of cellphone life.

Lena Dunham playing an awkward, disillusioned youth? Unheard of!

Sid is the ultimate disenfranchised youth; she just graduated college in early December but is unemployed, she has few friends, and getting a guy to appreciate her unique brand of beauty is hard. But one day she meets Judah, a quirky, attractive man who, inexplicably, seems to find her magnetic, and they get thisss close to having a romance before Sid’s parents, Alex and Annie, announce that they will be taking a trip for Chanukah to a remote cabin where the family can get back in touch.

But Sid does one thing against her parents’ wishes; she brings her iPhone with her on the trip, and while Sid deals with family togetherness, Judah relays his own story of a broken family and being forced to become an adult too quickly. They talk in hushed tones, fearing the phone will die any night. But, miracle of miracles, the battery magically lasts through eight nights, allowing both young adults to learn the true meaning of Chanukah.

A drama about romance, adulthood, and the power of rebellion, iChanukah will set your hearts ablaze and help you to dream again.

Now tell me the scariest part about this isn’t that it could actually be a movie. Just wait, it’ll only get worse..

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