Well, folks, it’s that time of year again: it’s getting a bit colder, a bit snowier (or, you know, just greyer in New York), and college students are coming up with creative places to hang mistletoe. I myself have started to celebrate by moving away from my normal litany of awful shows and onto shows in what might be one of the worst genres to have ever existed (the only genre that’s worse that I can think of  is “Paranormal Teen Romance Novels”): Romantic Comedy Holiday Movies, often made by ABC Family. To give you an idea of how terrible this is, just consider that I have started about 12 of these movies and only got close to finishing three because they are just so, so horror-inducing.

What a dumb couple

I wish I had a dead girl to give me life advice…

The gem of the movies so far has been Christmas Cupid, which is just such a wonderful mix of stupidity and outright offensiveness that you can’t possibly watch it without some sort of ire burning inside of you like a freshly lit fireplace by the end. The premise of this movie is simple: a woman who has always put her career doing PR first is visited by three boyfriends of Christmas (Ex-mas, get it? GET IT?!) who tell her how she’s romantically stupid and what will happen if this continues. Her spiritual guide, the titled Christmas Cupid, is actually a hussy, diva, and former client who died while clubbing by choking on an olive.

She’s who I would want to take romantic advice from.

The immediate — yet far from the only — problem with this show is that Christmas Cupid is an awful, unfitting title. There’s actually no matchmaking happening, as the guy that she is supposed to (and, spoilers, does! GASP!) end up with is her ex boyfriend who she already still has feelings for, and he still loves her even though she was a jerk to him — and they find out they’re still attracted to each other at the coroner’s office.

Nothing gets me feeling frisky like a visit to the morgue.

“So, do you like… Dead people?”

Besides this, there’s the fact that, in order to keep this light, because it sounded just sooo serious and tense, they add things like a fashion montage. With a ghost. A ghost who needs to wear normal human clothes. This is just making more and more sense.

Now, the beauty about this movie is that there’s the normal time frame you have with a Holiday Romantic Comedy — I mean, if they don’t find love by Christmas then they’re screwed — but it’s intensified. The entire idea is in four days, if she ends up marrying her current, cheating boyfriend, instead of dating her college ex, her entire life is ruined. I mean, really, here are the consequences as outlined by the Ex of Christmas Future: her best friend and best friend’s husband will become destitute and despise her because she destroyed their business by not putting flyers into gift baskets; her mom will go insane from loneliness; and she will die young. No, none of that is made up. Let’s just pretend those three things are actually at all connected to her getting the right boyfriend. Damn, girl, you’d best get yourself a good man!

Tied to this, Christmas Cupid is about a woman who is vapid, shallow, and generally selfish. She takes advantage of her friends, ignores her lonely mother who is married to a man that cheats on her, and uses the term “dating up” multiple times. None of that in itself would be that terrible if there were the normal, cheesy moments of redemption, but this movie doesn’t really have any of that. How does she “redeem” herself? She hands out the flyers like she said she would (purely through happenstance, mind, as it turns out that the gift baskets could’ve been recalled at any time, she just chose not to do so until another problem with them arose), she invites her mother to her Christmas party (that she was already throwing for her business and could’ve done from the start), and she starts dating a super hot pediatrician who is crazy about her.

WOW. She is just the most giving character in a movie ever. I feel so relieved by her happiness.

Can we take a moment to discuss how the mother is in a terrible, neglectful relationship, which both she and her daughter acknowledge, yet the daughter’s nice gesture is to hang out with her for one day while working. That’s it. It’s not, “Hey mom, we should talk about how you clearly have self esteem issues,” or, “Hey mom, don’t you think you should find someone who actually cares about you at all?” No, it’s, “Hey woman, you can come to my business party today I guess so I don’t die young.”

Another fun part of this movie I have to point out is that a lot of the drama comes from the fact that the dead girl, Christmas Cupid, dies and everyone at the PR firm is like, “Noooo, now we will have such a hard time getting people at this party she was going to go to for her new movie!” I hate to tell you, world, but if a PR firm had a famous client who died they’d actually probably be doing jigs because a celebrity death is amazing free publicity. Not to mention dead clients have a penchant for not saying terrible things during interviews.

So there you have it: Christmas Cupid, a movie about how if you don’t make the right choices very quickly you will die and everyone around you will suffer, though not from your death. Also a movie about how, often, the answers to your troubles are really simple and staring you in the face, but if you’re a self-obsessed wench you will probably miss them.

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