If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it’s that the key to success is relativity; I mean, the name of my online profiles is often Relatively Awesome because, compared to people who spend their days working at jobs they hate and their nights watching Beauty and the Beast, I am awesome.

In light of this, I am going back to my origin (the list!) to bring you things you should always be good at. Relatively.

The Clems: fashionista extraordinares.

1) Attractiveness: Recently, I’ve discovered I’m actually considered a relatively attractive man in some circles. This truly shocked me as I didn’t have my first relationship until I was 21, and even then it started over the interwebs.

Yes, I am that sad.

My newly discovered desirability among certain types was very confusing at first, but upon further consideration I realized it actually makes sense: see, I’m a relative hotty. This means that, while I might be of average attractiveness on a national scale, by surrounding myself with things — not even people! — who are less attractive, I am kind of like super model.

When walking around New York I like to make sure certain things are nearby, like hobos, elderly people who mutter to themselves as they waddle down the street, and piles of garbage. Anyone who is a potential mate will look at me next to these things and think, “Man, that Greg guy is, like, pretty sexy next to that pile of broken beer bottles!”

2) Dating: Dating is always difficult, especially the first date. Do I look alright? Do I sound shallow? Is my deoderant working? If I order a second drink will he think I’m a lush? If you are a human (you are a human, right?), all these thoughts will race through your head at warp speed, leaving you a sweaty, stammering wreck.

This guy needs some help not smiling like a cannibal.

My advice is always to remember that, no matter how badly you act, you could be doing so much worse. It’s relativity at work! Did you decide to start talking about that time your dad passed a kidney stone during appetizers? No worries, at least you didn’t try to discuss your hemorrhoids! Did you tell her about the time you decided to come along for your mom’s honeymoon with her new husband? That’s alright, you could’ve talked about how that wasn’t the first such unannounced trip and she ended up getting a restraining order!

Clearly, there is an art to being relatively good at dates. As long as you don’t scare her too much, intimidate him beyond reconciliation, or breathe too heavily throughout the cheese course, you’re golden — or maybe just fourth runner up. And sometimes that’s all you need to be.

3) Intelligence: Here’s a fun fact: when I was in high school I tested above average in geography. Why is that important? Because until my freshman year of college I didn’t know Vermont was a state; I thought it was a city until I had a conversation with the lady who cuts my hair that went,

Me: I have a friend going to Vermont for college.

Her: Oh, cool. What city?

Me: … Vermont… City???

Somehow, despite geography being my worst subject, I’m still better than 2/3’s of the country at this sorry subject, and that simultaneously frightens and delights me. Just remember, you can be relatively smart too! Just Work hard enough to be better than people who are terrible at it. Math is always a good subject to dominate.

So there you have it: the key to being a success is relativity! Sometimes being a big fish in a small pond works because if you were a big fish in a big pond you could be devoured.

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