As I mentioned earlier, about 2.5 weeks ago I moved into a new place. Because of the other “inhabitant” of this apartment, my fears that this building is haunted have only grown stronger. Let me explain:

I found my roommate and this apartment through Craigslist. The ad was very short, going something like,

“male in his late 20’s seeks roommate to occupy a huge room. [blah blah I don’t remember]

[rent in New York is ridiculous etc.]

you must work during the day.”

His insistence that his new roommate worked days seemed pretty straightforward; of course he didn’t want a hobo who wouldn’t pay living with him. What made it strange, though, was when I first met him he casually attested, “Yeah, I work nights.” This blatantly meant, “I don’t want to see your face.” But hey, fair enough. Some people can’t appreciate beauty.

Despite my apprehensions about this living situation, I almost immediately said I’d rent it because I was desperate. So desperate. Trying to sublet in New York is like trying to jump onto the top of a moving semi from an overpass (I tried to choose the most broadly relevant simile I could think of).

I moved in a week later, but I didn’t see Roommate for five days after that because I got the keys to the place from the guy I was replacing. The only reason we interacted then at all was because I needed to get the key to the mailbox. Over the proceeding two weeks I saw Roommate about three times, and each time our interactions consisted of saying, “Hey,” as we passed each other in the hall.

There is only one logical conclusion for Roommate’s strange behavior: he is a ghost.

“Aw, geez, this is so embarrassing, boogedy boogedy boo…”

I mean, think about it; he doesn’t want to be seen during the day. Why? Probably because he can’t be seen during the day! It’s a well known fact that ghosts don’t like to hang out during the day because when the sun is out they cease to exist. What, you’ve never heard that rule about ghosts? Clearly you’ve never watched any GRC* production ghost movies.

My roommate has you beat because he’s immortal. Sorry, losers!

Besides that, he doesn’t like to hang out even when he’s visible to humans during the evening because he is dead inside. And outside. He’s just dead all over, and he hates humans for being alive outside and sometimes inside. His transparent, insubstantial exterior poorly conceals a crunchy, apathetic interior. He’s like a Snickers bar that hides from you and moans during the night in the next room.

Roommate, just tell me why you’re haunting this place and I’ll help. Did your girlfriend murder you after you discovered she was having an affair with a Haitian gangster? Did you slip and fall in the bathtub the day you moved in? Were you unable to find the decoder ring in the bottom of a cereal box, die later that day, and just could never get over that particular series of awful events? If you give me a chance I’ll help as best I can as long as it doesn’t take too much effort.

*GRC is the network in my mind. It stands for Gregory R. Channel.