Dearest friend,

I recently went from being an hobo unemployed income-challenged recent college graduate to having an unpaid monetarily-liberating internship with Point of View, a nonprofit that works with PBS.

Now, I know I may be starting at the bottom rung of the ladder, but I think we both know where this is going. After all, ladders are for climbing, and yoga has given me very strong thighs. But don’t worry, I assure you: I won’t forget you.

No, when I’m running the free world as the first gay nerd president (excluding Abraham Lincoln), I’ll remember the little people. Because I am a gentleman.

When I’m looking down on you from the penthouse suite in the Bloomberg building, I’ll remember all you have done for me. And when I’m bathing in a pool of money and gold from my coffers, I will think, “This dollar bill was thanks to that one bearded guy! And I couldn’t have earned this one without the help of that girl with 3 eyebrow piercings!”

I’ll be living the life of luxury, eating matzoh ball soup in Jerusalem with Shimon Peres for lunch before going to meet Queen Elizabeth and having some Cornish game hen with her for dinner. Yes, my existence is on the verge of being more fantastic than I could ever hope, but I won’t — I won’t… Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh well, I’m sure it wasn’t important. Would you be a dear and go fetch me my vintage bourbon?


Lord Gregory