I made this face the entire time I was watching the LotR trilogy. If only I were that handsome…

When I heard they were making a film adaptation of J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit, I, like so many good The Lord of the Rings fans, was insanely excited. After all, what good Elf loving nerd could resist those 3 hour (4 if you got the extended DVDs!) preciouses? It is truly the fantasy film series to rule them all.

Then, they announced they were going to make The Hobbit a 3 part movie. With one fell swoop, what started out as a concept I desperately yearned for ended up being something I dread more than any Orc.

Though in part that’s because the Orcs seem really incompetent at everything. Have you read the books? Untrained Hobbits can take on 4 Orcs at once! Tolkien, your race of super soldiers is kind of lacking.

Let’s have a quick, blunt chat, shall we? The Hobbit is like Lord of the Rings’ younger, bumbling, more boring brother; it manages to have a less intriguing and meaningful story and seems to meander even more. Yes, it’s still great if you’re an Über nerd, but it’s widely acclaimed as being less interesting or exciting than the trilogy it spawned. And yet, the extended versions of The Lord of the Rings managed to be dull at times even for those of us who could point out Minas Morgul on a map of Middle Earth. That means that, unless Peter Jackson decided to include two more books in there, The Hobbit is likely to be 3 hours of fun interspersed between 6 hours of boring.

Wooooo!!!

Making unnecessary, awful sequels to films has been one of Hollywood’s favorite pass times ever since people realized it was a lot simpler than making new ideas — and I suppose people could say the same about all adaptations of books, though I’d argue there’s nothing quite like seeing Galadriel flip out on the big screen — but in just a few short years the new, hip thing to do is split films into two parts.

It all started with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Because, you know, there were so many times I was watching one of the Harry Potter films and thought, Man, this just isn’t long enough! I sure hope they make the last movie twice as long despite the book being roughly the same length as the three previous books! Since those gay ole’ wizards did it, of course Twilight had to split their last film into two parts, too! Everyone needs more scenes where Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson pretend they can act! And only a little while ago they announced that Mockingjay, the third part of The Hunger Games trilogy, was going to be split into two parts, yet again making me cry because I thought that that series would actually retain some sort of integrity beyond making as much money with as few ideas as possible.

“Is this good acting, Robert?” “Yeah, we’re both really good at this.”

This post is a lament that I hope I’m not alone in voicing, and it’s a plea to return to sanity and originality, but mostly it’s a prediction that soon they’ll be making the film adaptation of Green Eggs and Ham: Parts 1 and 2, the first of which will be about Sam I Am trying desperately to get the other dude to eat those strange items, and the second of which will tell the tale of the other dude praising Green Eggs and Ham.

Thanks to the Byronic Man for that link about terrible sequels, I look forward to continuing to stalk follow you!

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