Generally, I try to stay away from topics about religion because it’s almost impossible to discuss anything religious without person A rolling his eyes or person B punching person A in the nose, etc. But this week I am making an exception because I am not discussing religion so much as I am discussing history. Specifically, the history of something more near and dear to my heart than many other subjects: alcohol.

Nine out of ten deities agree, one improves the other!

Now, to call me an expert on the Christian religion would be unfair, as I know less about it than I do about lamps — and all I know about them is I love lamp — but I do know one thing; Jesus Christ, revered as a savior by over 2 billion people in the world, was the world’s first oenophile (wine lover).

Think about it: one of Jesus’ main feats was turning water into wine. I hate to tell you this, Mr. Christ, what with your arguable divinity and all, but water is a bit healthier to drink copious amounts of than wine. I mean, I get it, back in your day it was often safer to drink wine than water because you had to worry about dysentery and such, but really? You didn’t want to just buy a Brita filter?

I give people homemade biscuits so they love me, but magical wine? Getting a little desperate, Jesus…

I love to make people brownies and cakes so they feel obligated like me more, and who doesn’t prefer a big old glass of vino to a cookie, but, Jesus, you seem like you were a pretty nice guy, I’m sure people would’ve liked you if you hadn’t livened up Sunday Mass by giving everyone a bucket of chardonnay. And don’t even get me started on walking on water: you don’t need to do magic tricks just to impress people into being your friends!

As with most people who bring copious amounts of alcohol with them wherever they go and give it away, I have to say that I think Jesus might have some self esteem issues. More than that, though, Jesus, stop trying to turn everything into a rave! Can’t we just have a nice dinner for once instead of getting smashed? And if you ask me to kneel before you so you can bless me one more time, I swear…

You should’ve seen this party an hour later, Judas was wearing his underwear on his head and Bartholomew was passed out under the table!

And, by the by, did you card everyone you served wine to, Christ? Do I have to tell little Timmy’s mom that the reason he got drunk when he was only 12 was because Jesus couldn’t help but share the wealth?

On a lighter, more positive note, Jesus Christ was also the world’s first sommelier. After all, Jesus didn’t just give people wine; he gave them wine that paired well with food, hence the saying: “Give a man fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man some wine with that fish and, dude, that’s a really good dinner.”