I don’t mean to brag but, uh, I sort of have the best dreams. Like, ever. I know of a lot of people with really great dreams, but mine are definitely always the most interesting. The only problem is often my dreams are basically movies, which means I watch way too many movies. Instead of making a real post today, I will recount some of my all time favorite dreams.

Yeah, my dreams are about this weird but more coherent.

Nightmare On Elm Street, Greg Style:

In the dream, I’m watching the second Nightmare on Elm Street movie, only it’s not REALLY the second Nightmare on Elm Street. Basically, the plot of the second movie is, apparently, Freddy is a normal dude who just happens to have bouts where he turns into a super human, killing machine. So basically he’s the hulk only more psychotic.

Before hearing about the plot for the second, however, I get a recap of the first movie: Freddy is a veterinarian who has about 6 people in his employ. Lately, he has noticed he has the ability to hear things amazing well — we’re talking, he ca hear his employees talk about him when he’s a block away on the street, and they live in New York so that’s quite impressive. And this is all well and good until he starts hearing his employees talk about HIM — because apparently, one of them found the pictures he took of his cat (which are apparently very special and secret and were not meant to be discovered) and shared them with the other 5 people.

He even made copies of the pictures into magnets and distributed them throughout the office. This will not do.

And so somehow this leads to Freddy discovering super-hearing isn’t his only power, but he also has the power to become a psychotic mass murderer. And he also learns he has anger issues. So naturally, he kills them all.

The end.

I just want to fix your kitties!!!

The Conspiracy From Before I Was Born:

Two friends, myself, and some other dude (I don’t remember if it was a real person or not…) were adventurers and one of my friends — who is apparently a world class engineer — discovered engineering in a device from the 80’s that was faulty and it turns out all of these devices made by this company that’s still around today were purposely crappy and designed to fail because it REALLY is a front for a group of people from an alternate reality which has, of course, also been releasing monsters throughout the world because they’re trying to create chaos. And of course this is all discussed on a talk show with some chick who is not real.

I Always Knew She Was a Werewolf:

My friend Felicia, myself  and four other friends were getting ready to go camping or something and it’s night time. We had three cars between the six of us, so we decide to pair off and I get paired off with Felicia — which I am not happy about, because, apparently, she was a werewolf in the past (and we cured her). Felix and I are following the others in our car when she decides to go off the trail and get out because she “has to pee” or something, and this makes me very displeased because I think she is probably still a werewolf.

Lo and behold, Felix gets out of the car and (out of my line of vision) transforms and then sneakily opens the door and gets into the seat behind mine, but I was ready for that tricky wolf and had gotten into her seat and hit her with a metal piece of pipe as she lunges forward to eat me.

How to Make a Functional Government in 24 Hours:

The hardest teacher in the Political Science department at Montana State University is named Rushing, and she is probably a cyborg.

The dream starts off on Sunday night around 9:00 and I am doing reading for her class and am very stressed because she assigned 200 pages of text book reading in one week. As I am finishing I check my E-mail to discover an urgent message from her to the whole class; she wants us to do 90 pages additional reading before the lesson tomorrow at 6:00 PM.

But wait, there’s more! This is a very special article entitled, “How to Make a Functional Government in 24 Hours,” which starts off with an intro and then has four requirements of any legitimate government (don’t ask me what those four requirements happened to be…), and not only does she want us to read this article, but she wants us to write a 10 page paper in which we come up with our own functional government for class that meets these four requirements.

That is to say she wants us to — as she puts it in my dream — “‘make a functional government in 24 hours’ in 24 hours.”

And then I don’t remember how the dream ends except I wake up terrified.

The One Where Jesus Kills Me:

This is my favorite dream EVER.

I’m running through my neighborhood at dusk, hunting Naga (a race from World of Warcraft — don’t judge!). As I turn to the left I see a pair of headlights coming towards me, and I stop to look at it. It comes closer and closer to me and as it approaches I see it is not a semitruck; it’s Jesus on a levitating reclining chair with two floating headlights flying towards me. When he gets close enough to see me, he scowls and speeds up and changes direction to actually head towards me.

The dream ends when he’s only a foot away from running into me. Yay!