(Did you like that pun I opened up with? No? Too bad!)

Yesterday I saw two James Bond movies at a local theater, Goldfinger and Dr. No. While watching these movies, I realized a few things, and that is that all James Bond and spy movies in general need 7 (well, sometimes 6) things to be successful. I want to catalog these out because I’m the reboot of Captain Obvious.

1) Signature Drink: The first thing any good spy needs is his own signature drink. 007 likes, of course, a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred. There’s actually been a lot of clamor about the latest Bond film, Skyfall, because they sold out and he will be drinking Heineken for $45 million. This is problematic on two levels: on one hand, his signature drink is a vodka martini; but, more importantly, his signature drink is manly.

Now, I’m not ashamed to say I’ve thought a lot about the psychology of drink choices. I myself would like a signature drink. Personally, if I could stand it without my whole body tensing and all my hair standing on end, I would make my signature drink bourbon on the rocks. Unfortunately, I can’t stand strong alcohol. And it tastes like turpentine. Anyways, the problem with the Heineken, above all, is that it is not that memorable or manly, whereas the vodka martini is both unique and oozes masculinity.

Also, at the end of Goldfinger, two unimportant agents tell James they have enough booze on the plane for three people. James wonders who else will be joining him, and one of the agents says the punchline, “Oh, it’s just for you!” Hardy harhar. Yeah, James Bond is basically an alcoholic. You just don’t know because his secret agent training made him immune to getting sloshed.

2) Dry Wit: Any good spy needs a wit as dry as Bond’s martini. He doesn’t need to be overly witty — being too funny wouldn’t be manly — but witty enough that you think he’s charming. For instance, in Goldfinger Oddjob ends up being electrocuted after thoroughly kicking Bond’s ass. Some unimportant, non-James Bond spy asks what happened to Oddjob and Bond replies with his unparalleled charm, “He blew a fuse.” See? Dry, not exceptionally funny, but charming. Because killing an evil villain just isn’t worth it unless you can say something witty about their death.

3) Body Hair: Yep. Body hair. Because nothing says manly like being able to run your fingers through a mat of chest hair? Mind you, though, I just mean chest and stomach hair; no one wants James Bond to have a back quilt.

Oh Pierce, all the women used to want you to point your gun at them shirtless.

It may not be big, but it’ll do the job in my hands. Or something.

4) A Small Gun: That’s right, any good spy needs a small gun. Now, this doesn’t mean he can’t use a bazooka or AK-47 when the opportunity presents itself, but the signature weapon needs to be small and sleek. Like an iPhone that can kill people (is there an app for that?). The need for a small firearm is another issue of masculinity; a big gun screams, “Look! I have a small penis!” Well, James Bond has a small gun, and he knows how to use it, and he also knows how to use big guns when necessary. This all points to the fact that James Bond is one virile mofo.


5) Signature Style: 
Any good spy needs a signature style. Now, really, this actually makes no sense from a spying perspective — really, you want to secretly go all over the world without people being aware but you always dress in the same, easily identifiable fashion? But that impracticability may just be why it’s so necessary to be a good spy: James Bond isn’t willing to sacrifice his manly style, even if it means he is going to walk into a den of vipers and get captured because of it (which happens all the times, if you watch the movies). Real men don’t shy away from danger; they run at danger headfirst and punch it in the face!

6) Sexy Companion: This one is pretty obvious; James Bond isn’t James Bond unless he has a Bond Girl. Or preferably he has 5 in the course of a week. Now, the sexy companions must walk that fine line between being the only person nearly as capable as the spy and the spy’s nemesis while still being completely and utterly helpless whenever the spy is present. Sometimes the would-be Bond Girl is actually evil, too, but Bond sleeps with everyone just in case. Also, sex always seems to advance the story in James Bond, because evil women are most apt to try and kill you 15 minutes before or after or during intercourse.

Really, Bond girls are like the paragon of Ayn Rand femininity: they are highly capable in their own regards, whether they be scientists or spies, but seem to forgo all personal ability when a virile man is present. In Goldfinger, James Bond practically date rapes Pussy Galore (the most subtle of any Bond Girl names); as he kisses her, she says no and punches/flips/harms him, and then he goes in for the kiss again and again until finally she likes it because no straight woman can resist sleeping with that minx. Just remember, guys: if a girl says “no” she just means “keep trying, I’ll like it eventually!”

Actually it just means stop. Please don’t take anything I say seriously…

By the by, my favorite Bond Girl name is “Ivana Cox.” It’d also work for a porn name.

Good evening, Ms. Money Penny

7) Sexy Assistant: That’s right, the final thing Bond needs is a sexy assistant, not to be confused with the sexy companion. You might think, “But wait, wouldn’t a dangerous villain be the final necessity?” And to that I say, “Not really.” See, Bond villains, especially some of the last few, are pretty boring. All they want is money or control of a government or blah blah. Their motives are often silly and they are often also silly, like Goldfinger himself. I mean, he has a monologue about how pretty the color gold is. Really? That’s supposed to intimidate me? Let me tell you about why I love puppies and see how scared you get!

No, what a good spy needs above all else is a sexy assistant, like Money Penny, the only woman who James won’t sleep with because she’s the only one who would expect a relationship and actually be able to find him the morning after. She’s also quite possibly the smartest woman in the Bond universe (except maybe the current M).

So there you have it, folks. To be a successful spy you have to exude masculinity from every pore, allowing it to permeate the most minute detail of your personality. You also have to be an alcoholic and promiscuous, unless it’s with the office secretary who won’t put out after 5 minutes.

Edit: Pussy Galore is a lesbian! And she still sleeps with Bond. Oh, you stud.

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