My friend Maryann has recently decided she was a Cat Lady. Sort of.

Now, I’m not a cat lady person by any stretch of the mind, specifically because I am allergic to cats. Also, I have been in relationships. Actually, I’ve dated one guy three times so I guess that sort of makes me a slut. My oh-so-wonderful love life and my inability to withstand cat dander has led me to the belief that, maybe, I am something similar yet different; perhaps I am a Dog Lord.

The Nikita and I

Now, here are some fun facts few people know about me (largely because they’re sad): there is only one framed picture I own and it is of my dog, Nikita; when my dad got sick I helped him specifically by glaring at him until he did whatever I said, but when my dog got very sick last year I doted on her with the kindness of a thousand less judgemental Mother Teresas; and while I secretly refer to my friend’s dog, Dorkie, as Drop Kick Dog, I still treat Dorkie nicer than 95% of the humans I meet.

All this together spells out one thing: I like dogs. Too much. So much that when I’m 50 I will probably be living alone with my 8 dogs. I might even call them my babies. While I might have more romantic prospects than my Cat Lady counterparts, I will suffer from the same crippling lack of social skills (but only when it comes to interacting with humans).

Now, I won’t ask Dog Lords or Cat Ladies to unite with each other in any way (not even Dog Lords with Dog Lords, etc) because that would make no sense. Put two antisocial or more socially awkward people together and you’re likely to have a lot of staring at the ceiling in silence. We are, however, socially inept individuals, why would we band together? But I propose we establish a code of ethics.

People do indeed throw dogs. It’s a thing, people.

1) Never throw your cats/dogs at people when they try to interact with you. Merely growl.

2) Only refer to your pets as your children among other people who have fur-clad babies.

3) Make an attempt to never mention your cats/dogs to people before you know them a full day.

4) Remember to use your powers responsibly.

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