As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve been working for a political campaign. Unfortunately, on Tuesday my candidate lost the primary election, meaning I’m now even more unemployed than before. Yay! As you can guess, my fleeting dreams of fleeing hobodom have made me rather melancholy, because I like money.

Money is what you use to buy food. Food is what you eat. I like eating.

I could not have found a better picture for my love of food, or a better source…

However, this post isn’t about sadness, for, not only do I see a few glimmers of hope in my life, but yesterday I discovered something that is so ugly it’s cute (kind of like Dorkie): the Vampire Diaries.

For those who don’t know, the Vampire Diaries is a show on the CW that’s about a girl, Elena, her good vampire boyfriend, Stefan, his evil vampire brother, Damon (ohohoho, I see what you did there!), and the girl’s unfortunate human friends, including her one friend who’s, like, TOTES descended from some spooky Salem witches. The reason the girl likes the vampire is because, as they say in the first episode, “That is a hot backside!” The vampire likes the girl because apparently she looks like his girlfriend from 1864, and we all know nothing says romance like trying to replace someone who’s been dead for over a century.

As I put it when we were watching the show, we imagine the conversation about this relationship goes something like:

Elena: So, she’s, like, your ex?

Stefan: Sort of, only it’s not so much that we broke up as I killed her.

This show, as you can probably tell, is sort of like a lower budget Twilight. Or is it a lower budget True Blood? Honestly, it more reminds me of a cross between Twilight and Dante’s Cove (a low budget, gay vampire show with lots of soft core porn), with less sex than either.

It’s a pretty perfect equation

Stefan, just like Edward, is a vampire-vegetarian, meaning he refuses to eat humans. Apparently, this means that he doesn’t have as strong of vampire powers. My friend told me it’s sort of like how my super powers don’t work as well when I haven’t had bacon to eat recently — which is why I always keep a stockpile in my fridge. It also means that whenever he sees blood in any form he gets pretty boned. Thankfully, he can control his urges! What a chaste fellow. Vampire abstinence is the only way to avoid vampire babies. Or vampire Planned Parenthood.

In this vampire story, all vampire have not only super human strength, speed, and paleness, but they also have Jedi mind trick powers the power of persuasion, which I’m sure is pretty useful when you want to get into someone’s pants. Luckily, they never need to use this power to get into people’s pants, because all vampires apparently exude pheromones that get all teenage girls hot and bothered.

Besides dealing with a fucking vampire running around killing people, there are also pretty mundane instances of drama occurring; Elena’s slutty friend is sad because no one wants to bang her (true story), Elena’s aunt is trying to deal with being a complete hot mess, and Elena’s brother is suffering from the dreaded reefer madness!

His life is going down the drain!!!!!!!

As if all this wasn’t enough, I haven’t even discussed the namesake yet: the vampire Diaries. See, both Elena and Stefan keep diaries wherein they talk about how they’re super emo. What’s especially great is that they quickly fall into writing the exact same thing. So, basically, they have one brain. Similarly, you could look at it like Stefan, despite being 200 or so years old, has the maturity of a 17 year old. Did we also mention that Stefan is supposed to look like an 18 year old but is played by a 28 year old and looks like someone in his mid 30’s? Yep!

The Vampire Diaries is a great show if you like awful shows. Or, better yet, it’s a great show to riff on, sure to lift your spirits with how stupid it is. For instance, on the second episode Elena and one of her forgettable friends are handing out programs for the comet that’s going to be in the sky that night. Really? Programs for a comet? As far as I can tell, the program consists of: “11:52: Comet!” And that’s it. Very useful.

Source for the Vampire Diaries wallpaper is